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White People Are Upset That Amazon’s Alexa Believes Black Lives DO Matter

Amazon’s voice-activated assistant is taking a firm stance on several controversial social topics—and it’s sparking a heated debate on social media.

After hearing her response, white people can barely contain themselves, but we’re over here like…

Amazon Echo and Alexa was released in the fall and was received with mostly positive reviews for its design and performance. However, it looks like one particular customer was not so excited about Alexa’s political views. He obviously didn’t want to hear Alexa’s opinion, considering it wasn’t the same as his, but the digital assistant dropped some major keys in her responses about race, gender and feminism.

The Caucasianery can only be described as “Keurig-like,” from when angry white people began destroying their coffee machines because they wanted a child molester for a senator.

“Black lives and the Black Lives Matter Movement absolutely matter,” she responded. “It’s important to have conversations about equality and social justice.”

That’s it. That’s why they are mad.

As a control test in my scientific experiment, I asked if white lives mattered. “Sorry, I don’t know that,” was the response. The response was the same for blue lives and all lives.

I figured this could only be because of three things:

1. There is a black mole. Maybe there’s a woke-ass black computer engineer who surreptitiously slipped a piece of code into Alexa’s programming at Amazon while no one was looking. I doubt this is true because as soon as his friends and family discovered that he was working at Amazon, they’d start asking for the hookup on some free shipping. Unless a pallet of Lawry’s Seasoned Salt has come up missing from the warehouse, I’m dismissing this theory.

2. They want to piss off conservatives. Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos, after all, does own the Washington Post, which exposed the Roy Moore scandal, parts of Donald Trump’s Russian collusion plot and the Project Veritas fake molestation story. Republicans say they think this means that Bezos and the Washington Post are part of a liberal “fake news” conspiracy, never mentioning that they always turn out to be right. Plus, Bezos is a billionaire white man. They don’t put politics, social justice or anything else over money. This fails the logic test.

3. Alexa is right. Perhaps, as impossible as it is to believe, it is important to discuss these issues. Even if it makes white people’s eyebrows twitch, maybe discussing race, injustice and inequality is necessary. Alexa is a pretty smart woman, so maybe she knows more than us. Maybe the Amazon Echo is right.

But we know what white people do when they hear anyone say something they don’t like: They destroy it like they did Martin Luther King Jr. Or Fred Hampton. Or Mike Brown. Or Sandra Bland. They will smash it to smithereens so they can silence it, even if it is an inanimate object like an Amazon Echo. After all …

It does have a black body.

 

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